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Top Ten Reasons Not To Go To The Beach This Summer


I'm doing my best to follow through on my promise of a new top ten list each day for ten days to ease the transition from a David-Letterman-dominated past to a David-Letterman-less future, but I still need your help for topic suggestions. In the meantime, either grab your favorite beach read (might I suggest the spy thriller, Net Impact?) and hit the shore or be scared away by:

The Top Ten Reasons Not To Go To The Beach This Summer

Number 10: I put sunscreen on my iPhone and now it doesn’t work.

Number 9: If Mad Max can have a sequel thirty years later, Jaws may be still waiting for me out there.

Number 8: Jersey Shore has ruined it for all shores.

Number 7: I’d rather all that silica was used to make more computers.

Number 6: I’ve heard that Suzy sells seashells by the Seychelles sea shore and I can’t fit anymore animal skeletons in my storage unit.

Number 5: The shore always triggers my boundary issues.

Number 4: Given George Lucas’ romantic dialogue about sand in the Star Wars prequels, I am certain that the beach will conjure up metaphors that will ruin me as a writer forever.

Number 3: I can’t swim and my doctor says my salt intake is already too high.

Number 2: I prefer my endless vistas of sand to be populated with crazed Australians driving nitro-fueled sandbuggies packed with grenades and crazy guys wearing zinc oxide all over their bodies.

And the Number 1 reason not to go to the beach this summer: If I jump into the ocean, it will contribute to rising sea levels.


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