The show Ancient Aliens argues that aliens visited Earth long ago and imparted wisdom and technology to ancient man. The clientele at Walmart, the members of Congress, and the casts dominating reality televison prove that such wisdom, if it ever existed, has been long since lost. Of course, these beneficent aliens could return and try again, but they don't seem to be doing so. Why not? Well, here are ...

The Top Ten Reasons Why Aliens Aren’t Visiting Earth Right Now

Number 10: Tofu Turducken.

Number 9: Too many STDs.

Number 8: They always get pulled over by the galactic cops for violating the speed of light safety zone before they get here.

Number 7: Universal boycott because of restrictive marriage laws.

Number 6: Water is poisonous. (Ask M. Night Shyamalan.)

Number 5: E does not equal MC squared.

Number 4: They’ve been watching our broadcast signals and are worried that stupidity might be contagious.

Number 3: It’s hard to respect a civilization which has both turned its back on nuclear power and embraced the Kardashians.

Number 2: No handy parking spaces closer than Jupiter.

And the Number 1 reason aliens aren’t visiting Earth: Great food, but lousy atmosphere.