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  • Donald J. Bingle, Writer on Demand TM

This Way to the Brexit

Fueled by a heavy vote of Londoners who voted for Brexit thinking it was a singing group on Great Britain's Got Talent, citizens of the United Kingdom awoke today to discover that their country was getting divorced from the European Union, which is kind of like a civil union, except there is no sex and apparently less stable commitment. Fueled by a regular diet of bacon and vacuous news reporting, Americans awoke today to the stunning discovery that things actually happen in the world that don't involve Americans. Determined to have and vociferously express an opinion on all things, these clueless Americans are grasping to comprehend the most superficial aspects of Brexit in a mindless rush so that they may pontificate upon it in 144 characters or less.

As a public service, therefore, I have compiled a brief summary of the basic consequences of Brexit. I would call it a precis, but French and English are no longer permitted to cohabit a single sentence.

As a consequence of Brexit:

1. English may no longer be spoken on the continent of Europe. Europeans may still speak American, because it's not really English. Welsh may still be spoken anywhere because no one understands it.

2. Brussels sprouts must now be called English sprouts or micro-cabbages.

3. Final custody and visitation arrangements are still pending, but legal experts predict that the United Kingdom will be forced to return France to Germany and that Quebec will be taken away from Canada and placed in foster care. Scotland will be forced to spend its summer holidays and every other weekend with itinerant Vikings.

4. Weather is no longer permitted to drift eastward from the shores of Britain without proper papers.

5. The white cliffs of Dover will remain white.

6. The English Channel will be renamed Eurovision 4.

7. Epcot will move its British exhibit to the middle of the Disney Lagoon, build a Chunnel connecting it to the shore, then build a wall across the middle of the Chunnel and force the Mexican exhibit to pay for it.

8. The sun will set on the British Empire. Citizens of the European Union will moon one another.

9. America will return the Statue of Liberty to France. England will return the Elgin Marbles to Greece. And everyone will return their snakes to Northern Ireland.

10. Because the United Kingdom has a monopoly on tea, only coffee will be permitted to be drunk in the European Union. In addition, the letter "t" may no longer be pronounced in any European language other than English.

11. Each side will round up the expatriate citizens of the other side, march them into the Chunnel, seal of the ends, and film the resulting chaotic battle for survival within as a reality television show.

12. Great Britain will enter into an ill-advised rebound affair with Iceland, while the European Union will settle into unsatisfying communal relations with a variety of countries bordering on the Mediterranean Sea, resulting in the birth of a new volcanic island whose parentage is unknown.

13. In a million years, no one will care. In two weeks, no one in America will care.

Your thoughts are always welcome.

Donald J. Bingle

Writer on Demand TM

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